I did it, I was able to safely carry my baby to term. Despite all the emotional turmoil I was going through I still did it. We had our second child, another boy. I immersed myself in motherhood like I always do. My 2 sweet boys are what have always been able to bring me through even the darkest of times.
Over the next several years about every 3 months to a year I would find out my husband had relapsed again. And my heart, my life, everything would shatter again before I could rebuild what had been shattered before. My life felt like it was spiraling out of control but I had to make it seem like I was in control because I had a family to take care of. I was dying inside, but no one could know that, what would happen if they did? We didn't have a computer at home or the internet because I did not want that in my home available 24/7 to my husband. What would happen then? So I had limited resources to reach-out and find what was out there at my disposal for help. Or to even know if what I was going through was normal, or was I actually going crazy? That's sure what it felt like.
I went from this fun happy person to someone I don't even recognize. Someone who doesn't know who she is or what she likes to do. Someone who is afraid to make decisions for herself or try new things. Someone who is jealous of everything and nothing at the same time. Someone who wants her husband to spend all his time with her but doesn't know a lot of the time if she wants to be with him or not. Someone who doesn't want her husband to go out and do what he enjoys and makes him happy because there is nothing she enjoys or that makes her happy. He is the reason my life fell apart and I am so unhappy all the time, but he walks around like everything is fine and he is so happy all the time, it just makes me so angry sometimes! Someone that doesn't want her husband to have a guys trip because it's not fair that she doesn't get one as well. Not because he doesn't allow her to have one, but because she doesn't plan it and make it happen, she just sits back wishing she could go out and do it but is too afraid to go because what? She might have fun? Someone who gets an anxiety attack every time anyone asks her to decide anything. Someone who is negative towards herself and always puts herself down. Someone who has no confidence or trust in her husband and projects that towards him any chance she gets. Someone who is constantly anxious and on edge but pretending with all she has that she is happy and everything in her life is all white picket fences and roses. How confusing can it get?
I know intellectually that the way we feel and act is our choice and no one else can control that or make us that way. But I still feel like the way I feel is all his fault. Whether that is wrong or not I am sorry, just how I feel, even if it is wrong.
My husband does try really hard to be a good husband and be supportive and helpful. I am not saying all of this stuff to throw him under the bus. He is an amazing man and truly the best father I know. I don't know how I could raise my children without him. He encourages me to go out with the girls and have "me time." He encourages me to go on girls trips. The only person holding me back is myself if I don't ever go and I know that is something I need to work on.
I have just in the last couple months found a whole new world open to me as far as support goes. My husband and I went to the Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference in March. I was able to find some great books and other resources there, as well as a network of women who are in my situation. I am so glad I went!
From these books, and the women in my new support network I have found that mostly all of them can remember the exact day or days their husbands disclosed their pornography addiction or sexual addiction. They are called "D Days" standing for disclosure day or discovery day usually. For me it hasn't been like that. I can definitely remember the feelings I have had, and our conversations (although even some of that I feel like I don't remember completely because I have become so good at blocking things out). But there have been so many of these "D Days" that I don't even remember how many times he has come to me and shattered my world again.
I guess that sometimes all we can do is pick up the pieces and hope we find them all and keep rebuilding.
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