Shortly after I found out about my husband's addiction I was shopping at the mall with a close friend. My husband and I became friends with both she and her husband while my husband was going to school across the country right after we got married so we were both good friends with her and her husband. They ended up moving to Utah about the same time we did. I just couldn't keep it in anymore, I was dying inside and felt like I just had to tell someone in my life about what was going on. I didn't think she would be able to relate in any way, but felt like it would just be nice to just let it out and for someone to know the Hell I was in. After I told her, she responded saying that her husband also has a pornography addiction and she could relate to what I was going through. WHAT?!!! I couldn't believe it! Not him! I never thought my husband could be either! How could either of these 2 outstanding men struggle with such a thing? I was completely baffled and blown away. My dear friend's husband was at that time and currently sober and in recovery. They tried to help us, but my husband was extremely resistant to any help anyone tried to give because he "didn't have a problem and was just fine and could do it on his own".
I don't remember how long after but I would say it was between 4 and 6 months after the first disclosure I found porn on my husband's computer. After he had denied there would be any and said he had been doing great and I would be fine to check his computer. Go ahead and look up the history. Yeah, that worked out well for him.
You finally feel like you are getting back to some sense of normal in some aspects of your life, then BAM! Life shatters all over again and since it was still shattered from before the pieces get even smaller and harder to gather together.
He still doesn't want counseling or any help from anyone, he is fine. I am not but I have no idea what to do, where to turn, or who to talk to. I just start trying to fix him. That's all I can think about. Keep checking in on him at work, keep checking his computer, keep asking him how he is doing even though you know he will lie straight to your face.
Keep trying to take care of your pregnant self, don't lose this baby. Keep taking care of your one year old. Keep getting up, showering, getting dressed and putting some make-up on. Keep taking care of the house. Keep cooking the meals. Keep doing the grocery shopping. Keep looking happy. Keep pretending you still have the "perfect" marriage and life you always wanted.
It all get's so exhausting but it's what you have to do sometimes I guess. I think I have gotten pretty good at pretending. I think people in my life would be extremely surprised to know actually how depressed I really am and how I really feel because I put on such a show for everyone all the time so that no one will know that I don't have the perfect life I always wanted. How sad is that?
Awhile later one of my best friends from High School was going to be getting married. I was talking to her one day, and we were talking about marriage and how hard it can be. I had the impression to tell her about my struggles I had been enduring in my marriage and she told me that her fiancé had a pornography addiction. WOW! I was beginning to realize just how much of an epidemic this has really become. Out of the 2 people I have opened up to and told, both of their significant other's have a porn addiction. We talked for a long time about how it is to be married to a porn addict. Luckily her fiancé was already moving toward recovery and wanting to change. I hope he did.
I often wonder how many of my friend's husband's have a porn addiction and how many of their wives struggle everyday just like I do. Silently, with no one to talk to, dying inside and with no understanding from their husbands. It is so lonely. I mentioned that I opened up to a couple friends but that didn't go too far. I only talked to my H.S. friend once. I talk to my other friend more often, but still not constant support. I have recently found a network of support which has been amazing and I feel truly blessed.
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