Life Shattered

So we had been married for 3 years and everything was perfect...

We were trying for our 2nd child and I was so excited to grow our family...

We had recently bought our first home together, what a fairy-tale life...

And then one night we are laying in bed and my husband tells me that he was looking at porn at work and it froze his computer and he couldn't get it off his screen so one of his boss's at work found out about it.

What...PORN?!!!

And this is when my heart shatters. When everything shatters. I can't think, I can't breath, I can't do anything but sit there in bed while my whole body shakes from the shock. How do you process this? So many thoughts trying to go through your mind all at once but at the same time your mind can't really process anything at the moment. So many conflicting emotions being felt all at once your body is so overloaded I don't know how it's even possible. Fear, shame, anger, confusion, anxiousness, worry, doubt, isolation, pain. The more I found out the more emotions I felt or didn't feel, like happiness, joy, excitement. Most days I just faked it because I still had a one year old I was taking care of and people around me that I had to pretend everything was ok for. I just kept thinking "Thank goodness I'm not pregnant again, I could not handle that right now one top of everything." Well wouldn't ya know, less than a week after I found out about my husband's porn addiction I found out I was pregnant and couldn't go back on birth control. Of course I wanted to be excited, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in the marriage anymore or what was going to happen and this pregnancy made me feel even more trapped. Now we had 2 kids together. How was I going to have a healthy pregnancy when I was so depressed from his addiction? How was I going to do any of this?

It felt like our whole marriage had been a lie, like our whole life together had been a lie. Everything I knew was a lie, what else was he lying about, what else wasn't real? What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I enough? What type of women was he attracted to if it wasn't me? Why did he have to go to a computer for sexual fulfillment? How could he watch those types of things? I just couldn't believe it, it made me absolutely sick to think about. But I thought about it ALL THE TIME. It became an obsession. What was he doing? Where was he going? Who was he with? Who was he texting? If a picture on a computer screen is a temptation, why not his secretary that he is work with by himself in his office everyday? How could I ever trust him again?

So I found out that he has had issues with pornography since before he was 16. His older brother had it in the house and he found it. He took care of it with his bishop before his mission and then had problems again when he came home. He took care of it again with his bishop before we were married so we could be married in the Temple. Of course he hadn't told me about any of this. I wish I would have asked, but hind-sight is always too late. Either way, it was his responsibility to tell me about it, I shouldn't have had to ask. But he didn't think he had a problem or an addiction. Actually, when he did tell me it was because his boss might catch him, he had already gone to our Bishop 2 weeks before because he had been having issues and our Bishop told him not to tell me! Say what?! So when we went together to meet with our Bishop after I did find out he just got a slap on the hand in my opinion. Nothing happened. I told the Bishop that it was an addiction, that it was a problem, that we needed counseling, that I wasn't sure where our marriage was headed. He said that we could go see his son who is at BYU studying to be a counselor for counseling and he would help pay otherwise we were on our own. I asked what type of counseling he was specializing in, he said he wasn't sure. I said "Well then we will find our own, thank you."

So we went to counseling at LDS Social Services to a group counseling course for couples with pornography addiction. When we started it they had everyone go around the room and say why they were there and what they wanted to accomplish. My husband's response was "I am here because my wife wants me to be." Obviously he wasn't ready for it and still didn't think he had a problem. It was so sad for me. It was nice for me to feel like there were others there who could relate to how I was feeling. Out of all 13 couples, I was the only one who didn't know about the addiction before marriage, that was hard.

I struggled everyday with feelings of isolation and loneliness. Feeling like no one really got how I was feeling and not really having anyone to talk to. I think that is one of the hardest parts about being married to someone with this addiction. You don't really feel like you can tell people about it because of the judgement they might put upon you or your husband. You don't want your children to be friendless because no one wants their kids to play with the kids of the porn addict. You don't want people to judge you for staying. I do consider viewing porn as cheating on a spouse, so yes, I would say that my husband has cheated on me. Not to the degree that some have been cheated on, I am not trying to downgrade another's hurt they have suffered from an affair they have experienced. I understand that it is on a different level, but still cheating on a degree. Before I got married I told myself I would never stand for that. Now that I am here, with 2 kids, in love with a man in the cycle of an addiction, I am in a position I thought I would never find myself in. Struggling to figure out how to survive day to day. Trying to gather the shards of my shattered life and slowly piece them back together.