So it had been awhile since my husband's last disclosure and things were getting easier over the long stretch of time. I get better at shoving emotions and feelings down over time and pretending that everything is ok. Even though I still think about the addiction everyday and wonder if that will be the day that I find out he has relapsed again, a lot of the sadness, fear, anger, etc. that you feel right after a disclosure calms down a bit over time. At least it does for me anyways. It never goes away, it just changes.
One day my husband had gone into work on a Saturday because he had to meet someone there to give them something that they needed but it didn't come in on time and they had a trip they were going on and it was supposed to be delivered that day. So he went in and was waiting for the delivery and then after the delivery the person would come by to pick it up. He went in before 7 am to wait for the delivery and waited until after 2 but the delivery never came. He had a lot of things he needed to catch up on at work so I figured it was great, he could get it all done, be all caught up at work. How nice that would be for him to not feel the stress of being behind at work anymore. I texted him while he was there asking him to just come home because the delivery was supposed to be there by a certain time, but he stayed much later than that time because he said he wanted to be sure that they weren't just running late. I was so frustrated. This was the day before Mother's Day and he was supposed to be helping me plant my garden for my Mother's Day gift. Instead he was there, waiting for someone who was obviously not going to show up. Awesome. When he got home I asked him what he got done while he was there. He said he did a little cleaning and got 2 notes done. What?! He was there long enough he could have gotten all of his notes done and all of the cleaning and organizing done that he needed to do. I knew at that moment that he had been watching porn the whole time he was there and that's why he stayed later and why he didn't get any work done while he was there. And the great thing is that I didn't get my garden planted that day, we had to wait till the next week because of his selfishness. So that night I confronted him about it and told him what my gut was telling me he was really doing at work that day. Of course he denied it. Of course he said he was doing great, hadn't looked at porn since his last "D Day". I didn't have any proof since his computer was still at work. Just my gut feeling and intuition so then comes where I start to doubt myself and my intuition. I start to think I'm crazy and why do I feel this way? How could I accuse him like that? Of course he came up with just the right excuse of what he was doing at work. So why did I doubt him? This happens every time but yet I want to be able to trust him even though I know I can't. So I doubt myself. I doubt my gut. I start to doubt everything.
My parent's kept my kids overnight one night in June of 2013 and I was so excited to sleep in the next morning. Then I planned to take a warm bath to relax and I had a book I was almost finished with so I was going to read until I finished the book. It was going to be a day to myself to relax and enjoy doing whatever I wanted to do. I was so excited for this day to come. I woke up that morning and my husband had already gone off to work. I got up and went into the kitchen first thing to get a drink before I went onto my relaxing day. On the table was a folded piece of white paper with my name on it in my husband's handwriting. I thought, oh this day is just getting better and better! My husband wrote me a love note! What a way to start off this great day. I couldn't wait to read what he had written to me. I thought it must be something great for him to leave me a special note today when the kids were gone. I could go into his work and have lunch with him, oh what plans I was making.
I opened the note and started reading it and quickly realized that this was definitely no love letter. This was an I have been looking at porn letter and lying straight to your face letter. This day went from amazing to horrific real quick. It was one of those moments you are in disbelief. You are reading it and have to re-read it a few times just so you make sure you fully understand what he is saying. It was baffling. He was trying to make it seem like he was sorry but his addict self was showing through so bad. He said that he did watch porn the day he went into his office to wait for the delivery. Well what do ya know? My gut wasn't so wrong after all. He had also viewed it several other times since his last "D Day". So he wasn't doing so great after all. So all those times I checked in with him and asked how he was doing and if he had been having any issues with porn he had been lying to my face just like he always had. Nothing had changed. Why would I have thought it had? It never had before. How could I ever trust this man? What was it going to take for him to decide to make a real change? Why are my children and I not worth it? What do these women and these sex videos have that is so much more important than we are? I know all the logistics of addiction but honestly if you want it bad enough you can overcome anything. Addiction or not. I don't want excuses, I want honest change. I want to know you love me and our family enough and more than the addiction.
I talked to him that night after putting the kids to bed. When he came in to get into bed he acted really confused as to why I would want to talk. He actually said we didn't need to talk, it was all in the letter. I said, well you might not need to talk, but I sure have a lot to discuss. He didn't want to talk about anything and was very defensive. My husband has a very hard time communicating as it is and his addiction makes it even harder. He really felt like we shouldn't have to discuss anything, everything he wanted to say was in the letter and I should be just fine with reading it and moving on. Oh what a life living with someone with this addiction. Of course I needed to talk about it with him. I think that is one of the hardest parts sometimes as the wife of the addict. As the addict, each time they disclose a relapse they feel so much better and just want to move on and get on with life. They don't think about it much or obsess about it, they just feel a huge sense of relief that the guilt is gone. But when they tell the wife everything is unloaded onto her and she doesn't just let it go and move on. She does obsess about it and think about it all the time. She worries about so many things surrounding her family and life and the addiction after that. The burden is moved from the husband to the wife and compounded and multiplied. That has been my experience anyways.
And so it all starts over again. All the feelings come back. Some of them stronger each time because they are compounded by how many times this has happened. They say rollercoasters are supposed to be fun. I must say, I have grown to hate them. This rollercoaster is one I am waiting to get off of. Seven and a half years is too long to ride a rollercoaster and frankly it is making me sick. Literally. For a long time I thought I have just been going crazy. I didn't know what was going on with me and why I was feeling the way I am. I just recently found out that I am suffering from what is called Betrayal Trauma. It is a real thing, I am not crazy. What a relief! I have major anxiety issues. I suffer from a lot of stress. I suffer from depression. I suffer from symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. For a long time these symptoms and a lot of others that I experience made me think I was literally going crazy. But now that I know I'm not and that I have realized that I need to seek recovery for myself I am in a much better place. I have started the recovery process and reaching out to others in my situation for support and am starting to see a difference.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Too Many D Days
I did it, I was able to safely carry my baby to term. Despite all the emotional turmoil I was going through I still did it. We had our second child, another boy. I immersed myself in motherhood like I always do. My 2 sweet boys are what have always been able to bring me through even the darkest of times.
Over the next several years about every 3 months to a year I would find out my husband had relapsed again. And my heart, my life, everything would shatter again before I could rebuild what had been shattered before. My life felt like it was spiraling out of control but I had to make it seem like I was in control because I had a family to take care of. I was dying inside, but no one could know that, what would happen if they did? We didn't have a computer at home or the internet because I did not want that in my home available 24/7 to my husband. What would happen then? So I had limited resources to reach-out and find what was out there at my disposal for help. Or to even know if what I was going through was normal, or was I actually going crazy? That's sure what it felt like.
I went from this fun happy person to someone I don't even recognize. Someone who doesn't know who she is or what she likes to do. Someone who is afraid to make decisions for herself or try new things. Someone who is jealous of everything and nothing at the same time. Someone who wants her husband to spend all his time with her but doesn't know a lot of the time if she wants to be with him or not. Someone who doesn't want her husband to go out and do what he enjoys and makes him happy because there is nothing she enjoys or that makes her happy. He is the reason my life fell apart and I am so unhappy all the time, but he walks around like everything is fine and he is so happy all the time, it just makes me so angry sometimes! Someone that doesn't want her husband to have a guys trip because it's not fair that she doesn't get one as well. Not because he doesn't allow her to have one, but because she doesn't plan it and make it happen, she just sits back wishing she could go out and do it but is too afraid to go because what? She might have fun? Someone who gets an anxiety attack every time anyone asks her to decide anything. Someone who is negative towards herself and always puts herself down. Someone who has no confidence or trust in her husband and projects that towards him any chance she gets. Someone who is constantly anxious and on edge but pretending with all she has that she is happy and everything in her life is all white picket fences and roses. How confusing can it get?
I know intellectually that the way we feel and act is our choice and no one else can control that or make us that way. But I still feel like the way I feel is all his fault. Whether that is wrong or not I am sorry, just how I feel, even if it is wrong.
My husband does try really hard to be a good husband and be supportive and helpful. I am not saying all of this stuff to throw him under the bus. He is an amazing man and truly the best father I know. I don't know how I could raise my children without him. He encourages me to go out with the girls and have "me time." He encourages me to go on girls trips. The only person holding me back is myself if I don't ever go and I know that is something I need to work on.
I have just in the last couple months found a whole new world open to me as far as support goes. My husband and I went to the Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference in March. I was able to find some great books and other resources there, as well as a network of women who are in my situation. I am so glad I went!
From these books, and the women in my new support network I have found that mostly all of them can remember the exact day or days their husbands disclosed their pornography addiction or sexual addiction. They are called "D Days" standing for disclosure day or discovery day usually. For me it hasn't been like that. I can definitely remember the feelings I have had, and our conversations (although even some of that I feel like I don't remember completely because I have become so good at blocking things out). But there have been so many of these "D Days" that I don't even remember how many times he has come to me and shattered my world again.
I guess that sometimes all we can do is pick up the pieces and hope we find them all and keep rebuilding.
Over the next several years about every 3 months to a year I would find out my husband had relapsed again. And my heart, my life, everything would shatter again before I could rebuild what had been shattered before. My life felt like it was spiraling out of control but I had to make it seem like I was in control because I had a family to take care of. I was dying inside, but no one could know that, what would happen if they did? We didn't have a computer at home or the internet because I did not want that in my home available 24/7 to my husband. What would happen then? So I had limited resources to reach-out and find what was out there at my disposal for help. Or to even know if what I was going through was normal, or was I actually going crazy? That's sure what it felt like.
I went from this fun happy person to someone I don't even recognize. Someone who doesn't know who she is or what she likes to do. Someone who is afraid to make decisions for herself or try new things. Someone who is jealous of everything and nothing at the same time. Someone who wants her husband to spend all his time with her but doesn't know a lot of the time if she wants to be with him or not. Someone who doesn't want her husband to go out and do what he enjoys and makes him happy because there is nothing she enjoys or that makes her happy. He is the reason my life fell apart and I am so unhappy all the time, but he walks around like everything is fine and he is so happy all the time, it just makes me so angry sometimes! Someone that doesn't want her husband to have a guys trip because it's not fair that she doesn't get one as well. Not because he doesn't allow her to have one, but because she doesn't plan it and make it happen, she just sits back wishing she could go out and do it but is too afraid to go because what? She might have fun? Someone who gets an anxiety attack every time anyone asks her to decide anything. Someone who is negative towards herself and always puts herself down. Someone who has no confidence or trust in her husband and projects that towards him any chance she gets. Someone who is constantly anxious and on edge but pretending with all she has that she is happy and everything in her life is all white picket fences and roses. How confusing can it get?
I know intellectually that the way we feel and act is our choice and no one else can control that or make us that way. But I still feel like the way I feel is all his fault. Whether that is wrong or not I am sorry, just how I feel, even if it is wrong.
My husband does try really hard to be a good husband and be supportive and helpful. I am not saying all of this stuff to throw him under the bus. He is an amazing man and truly the best father I know. I don't know how I could raise my children without him. He encourages me to go out with the girls and have "me time." He encourages me to go on girls trips. The only person holding me back is myself if I don't ever go and I know that is something I need to work on.
I have just in the last couple months found a whole new world open to me as far as support goes. My husband and I went to the Utah Coalition Against Pornography Conference in March. I was able to find some great books and other resources there, as well as a network of women who are in my situation. I am so glad I went!
From these books, and the women in my new support network I have found that mostly all of them can remember the exact day or days their husbands disclosed their pornography addiction or sexual addiction. They are called "D Days" standing for disclosure day or discovery day usually. For me it hasn't been like that. I can definitely remember the feelings I have had, and our conversations (although even some of that I feel like I don't remember completely because I have become so good at blocking things out). But there have been so many of these "D Days" that I don't even remember how many times he has come to me and shattered my world again.
I guess that sometimes all we can do is pick up the pieces and hope we find them all and keep rebuilding.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Go Ahead And Look
Shortly after I found out about my husband's addiction I was shopping at the mall with a close friend. My husband and I became friends with both she and her husband while my husband was going to school across the country right after we got married so we were both good friends with her and her husband. They ended up moving to Utah about the same time we did. I just couldn't keep it in anymore, I was dying inside and felt like I just had to tell someone in my life about what was going on. I didn't think she would be able to relate in any way, but felt like it would just be nice to just let it out and for someone to know the Hell I was in. After I told her, she responded saying that her husband also has a pornography addiction and she could relate to what I was going through. WHAT?!!! I couldn't believe it! Not him! I never thought my husband could be either! How could either of these 2 outstanding men struggle with such a thing? I was completely baffled and blown away. My dear friend's husband was at that time and currently sober and in recovery. They tried to help us, but my husband was extremely resistant to any help anyone tried to give because he "didn't have a problem and was just fine and could do it on his own".
I don't remember how long after but I would say it was between 4 and 6 months after the first disclosure I found porn on my husband's computer. After he had denied there would be any and said he had been doing great and I would be fine to check his computer. Go ahead and look up the history. Yeah, that worked out well for him.
You finally feel like you are getting back to some sense of normal in some aspects of your life, then BAM! Life shatters all over again and since it was still shattered from before the pieces get even smaller and harder to gather together.
He still doesn't want counseling or any help from anyone, he is fine. I am not but I have no idea what to do, where to turn, or who to talk to. I just start trying to fix him. That's all I can think about. Keep checking in on him at work, keep checking his computer, keep asking him how he is doing even though you know he will lie straight to your face.
Keep trying to take care of your pregnant self, don't lose this baby. Keep taking care of your one year old. Keep getting up, showering, getting dressed and putting some make-up on. Keep taking care of the house. Keep cooking the meals. Keep doing the grocery shopping. Keep looking happy. Keep pretending you still have the "perfect" marriage and life you always wanted.
It all get's so exhausting but it's what you have to do sometimes I guess. I think I have gotten pretty good at pretending. I think people in my life would be extremely surprised to know actually how depressed I really am and how I really feel because I put on such a show for everyone all the time so that no one will know that I don't have the perfect life I always wanted. How sad is that?
Awhile later one of my best friends from High School was going to be getting married. I was talking to her one day, and we were talking about marriage and how hard it can be. I had the impression to tell her about my struggles I had been enduring in my marriage and she told me that her fiancé had a pornography addiction. WOW! I was beginning to realize just how much of an epidemic this has really become. Out of the 2 people I have opened up to and told, both of their significant other's have a porn addiction. We talked for a long time about how it is to be married to a porn addict. Luckily her fiancé was already moving toward recovery and wanting to change. I hope he did.
I often wonder how many of my friend's husband's have a porn addiction and how many of their wives struggle everyday just like I do. Silently, with no one to talk to, dying inside and with no understanding from their husbands. It is so lonely. I mentioned that I opened up to a couple friends but that didn't go too far. I only talked to my H.S. friend once. I talk to my other friend more often, but still not constant support. I have recently found a network of support which has been amazing and I feel truly blessed.
I don't remember how long after but I would say it was between 4 and 6 months after the first disclosure I found porn on my husband's computer. After he had denied there would be any and said he had been doing great and I would be fine to check his computer. Go ahead and look up the history. Yeah, that worked out well for him.
You finally feel like you are getting back to some sense of normal in some aspects of your life, then BAM! Life shatters all over again and since it was still shattered from before the pieces get even smaller and harder to gather together.
He still doesn't want counseling or any help from anyone, he is fine. I am not but I have no idea what to do, where to turn, or who to talk to. I just start trying to fix him. That's all I can think about. Keep checking in on him at work, keep checking his computer, keep asking him how he is doing even though you know he will lie straight to your face.
Keep trying to take care of your pregnant self, don't lose this baby. Keep taking care of your one year old. Keep getting up, showering, getting dressed and putting some make-up on. Keep taking care of the house. Keep cooking the meals. Keep doing the grocery shopping. Keep looking happy. Keep pretending you still have the "perfect" marriage and life you always wanted.
It all get's so exhausting but it's what you have to do sometimes I guess. I think I have gotten pretty good at pretending. I think people in my life would be extremely surprised to know actually how depressed I really am and how I really feel because I put on such a show for everyone all the time so that no one will know that I don't have the perfect life I always wanted. How sad is that?
Awhile later one of my best friends from High School was going to be getting married. I was talking to her one day, and we were talking about marriage and how hard it can be. I had the impression to tell her about my struggles I had been enduring in my marriage and she told me that her fiancé had a pornography addiction. WOW! I was beginning to realize just how much of an epidemic this has really become. Out of the 2 people I have opened up to and told, both of their significant other's have a porn addiction. We talked for a long time about how it is to be married to a porn addict. Luckily her fiancé was already moving toward recovery and wanting to change. I hope he did.
I often wonder how many of my friend's husband's have a porn addiction and how many of their wives struggle everyday just like I do. Silently, with no one to talk to, dying inside and with no understanding from their husbands. It is so lonely. I mentioned that I opened up to a couple friends but that didn't go too far. I only talked to my H.S. friend once. I talk to my other friend more often, but still not constant support. I have recently found a network of support which has been amazing and I feel truly blessed.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Life Shattered
So we had been married for 3 years and everything was perfect...
We were trying for our 2nd child and I was so excited to grow our family...
We had recently bought our first home together, what a fairy-tale life...
And then one night we are laying in bed and my husband tells me that he was looking at porn at work and it froze his computer and he couldn't get it off his screen so one of his boss's at work found out about it.
What...PORN?!!!
And this is when my heart shatters. When everything shatters. I can't think, I can't breath, I can't do anything but sit there in bed while my whole body shakes from the shock. How do you process this? So many thoughts trying to go through your mind all at once but at the same time your mind can't really process anything at the moment. So many conflicting emotions being felt all at once your body is so overloaded I don't know how it's even possible. Fear, shame, anger, confusion, anxiousness, worry, doubt, isolation, pain. The more I found out the more emotions I felt or didn't feel, like happiness, joy, excitement. Most days I just faked it because I still had a one year old I was taking care of and people around me that I had to pretend everything was ok for. I just kept thinking "Thank goodness I'm not pregnant again, I could not handle that right now one top of everything." Well wouldn't ya know, less than a week after I found out about my husband's porn addiction I found out I was pregnant and couldn't go back on birth control. Of course I wanted to be excited, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in the marriage anymore or what was going to happen and this pregnancy made me feel even more trapped. Now we had 2 kids together. How was I going to have a healthy pregnancy when I was so depressed from his addiction? How was I going to do any of this?
It felt like our whole marriage had been a lie, like our whole life together had been a lie. Everything I knew was a lie, what else was he lying about, what else wasn't real? What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I enough? What type of women was he attracted to if it wasn't me? Why did he have to go to a computer for sexual fulfillment? How could he watch those types of things? I just couldn't believe it, it made me absolutely sick to think about. But I thought about it ALL THE TIME. It became an obsession. What was he doing? Where was he going? Who was he with? Who was he texting? If a picture on a computer screen is a temptation, why not his secretary that he is work with by himself in his office everyday? How could I ever trust him again?
So I found out that he has had issues with pornography since before he was 16. His older brother had it in the house and he found it. He took care of it with his bishop before his mission and then had problems again when he came home. He took care of it again with his bishop before we were married so we could be married in the Temple. Of course he hadn't told me about any of this. I wish I would have asked, but hind-sight is always too late. Either way, it was his responsibility to tell me about it, I shouldn't have had to ask. But he didn't think he had a problem or an addiction. Actually, when he did tell me it was because his boss might catch him, he had already gone to our Bishop 2 weeks before because he had been having issues and our Bishop told him not to tell me! Say what?! So when we went together to meet with our Bishop after I did find out he just got a slap on the hand in my opinion. Nothing happened. I told the Bishop that it was an addiction, that it was a problem, that we needed counseling, that I wasn't sure where our marriage was headed. He said that we could go see his son who is at BYU studying to be a counselor for counseling and he would help pay otherwise we were on our own. I asked what type of counseling he was specializing in, he said he wasn't sure. I said "Well then we will find our own, thank you."
So we went to counseling at LDS Social Services to a group counseling course for couples with pornography addiction. When we started it they had everyone go around the room and say why they were there and what they wanted to accomplish. My husband's response was "I am here because my wife wants me to be." Obviously he wasn't ready for it and still didn't think he had a problem. It was so sad for me. It was nice for me to feel like there were others there who could relate to how I was feeling. Out of all 13 couples, I was the only one who didn't know about the addiction before marriage, that was hard.
I struggled everyday with feelings of isolation and loneliness. Feeling like no one really got how I was feeling and not really having anyone to talk to. I think that is one of the hardest parts about being married to someone with this addiction. You don't really feel like you can tell people about it because of the judgement they might put upon you or your husband. You don't want your children to be friendless because no one wants their kids to play with the kids of the porn addict. You don't want people to judge you for staying. I do consider viewing porn as cheating on a spouse, so yes, I would say that my husband has cheated on me. Not to the degree that some have been cheated on, I am not trying to downgrade another's hurt they have suffered from an affair they have experienced. I understand that it is on a different level, but still cheating on a degree. Before I got married I told myself I would never stand for that. Now that I am here, with 2 kids, in love with a man in the cycle of an addiction, I am in a position I thought I would never find myself in. Struggling to figure out how to survive day to day. Trying to gather the shards of my shattered life and slowly piece them back together.
We were trying for our 2nd child and I was so excited to grow our family...
We had recently bought our first home together, what a fairy-tale life...
And then one night we are laying in bed and my husband tells me that he was looking at porn at work and it froze his computer and he couldn't get it off his screen so one of his boss's at work found out about it.
What...PORN?!!!
And this is when my heart shatters. When everything shatters. I can't think, I can't breath, I can't do anything but sit there in bed while my whole body shakes from the shock. How do you process this? So many thoughts trying to go through your mind all at once but at the same time your mind can't really process anything at the moment. So many conflicting emotions being felt all at once your body is so overloaded I don't know how it's even possible. Fear, shame, anger, confusion, anxiousness, worry, doubt, isolation, pain. The more I found out the more emotions I felt or didn't feel, like happiness, joy, excitement. Most days I just faked it because I still had a one year old I was taking care of and people around me that I had to pretend everything was ok for. I just kept thinking "Thank goodness I'm not pregnant again, I could not handle that right now one top of everything." Well wouldn't ya know, less than a week after I found out about my husband's porn addiction I found out I was pregnant and couldn't go back on birth control. Of course I wanted to be excited, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in the marriage anymore or what was going to happen and this pregnancy made me feel even more trapped. Now we had 2 kids together. How was I going to have a healthy pregnancy when I was so depressed from his addiction? How was I going to do any of this?
It felt like our whole marriage had been a lie, like our whole life together had been a lie. Everything I knew was a lie, what else was he lying about, what else wasn't real? What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I enough? What type of women was he attracted to if it wasn't me? Why did he have to go to a computer for sexual fulfillment? How could he watch those types of things? I just couldn't believe it, it made me absolutely sick to think about. But I thought about it ALL THE TIME. It became an obsession. What was he doing? Where was he going? Who was he with? Who was he texting? If a picture on a computer screen is a temptation, why not his secretary that he is work with by himself in his office everyday? How could I ever trust him again?
So I found out that he has had issues with pornography since before he was 16. His older brother had it in the house and he found it. He took care of it with his bishop before his mission and then had problems again when he came home. He took care of it again with his bishop before we were married so we could be married in the Temple. Of course he hadn't told me about any of this. I wish I would have asked, but hind-sight is always too late. Either way, it was his responsibility to tell me about it, I shouldn't have had to ask. But he didn't think he had a problem or an addiction. Actually, when he did tell me it was because his boss might catch him, he had already gone to our Bishop 2 weeks before because he had been having issues and our Bishop told him not to tell me! Say what?! So when we went together to meet with our Bishop after I did find out he just got a slap on the hand in my opinion. Nothing happened. I told the Bishop that it was an addiction, that it was a problem, that we needed counseling, that I wasn't sure where our marriage was headed. He said that we could go see his son who is at BYU studying to be a counselor for counseling and he would help pay otherwise we were on our own. I asked what type of counseling he was specializing in, he said he wasn't sure. I said "Well then we will find our own, thank you."
So we went to counseling at LDS Social Services to a group counseling course for couples with pornography addiction. When we started it they had everyone go around the room and say why they were there and what they wanted to accomplish. My husband's response was "I am here because my wife wants me to be." Obviously he wasn't ready for it and still didn't think he had a problem. It was so sad for me. It was nice for me to feel like there were others there who could relate to how I was feeling. Out of all 13 couples, I was the only one who didn't know about the addiction before marriage, that was hard.
I struggled everyday with feelings of isolation and loneliness. Feeling like no one really got how I was feeling and not really having anyone to talk to. I think that is one of the hardest parts about being married to someone with this addiction. You don't really feel like you can tell people about it because of the judgement they might put upon you or your husband. You don't want your children to be friendless because no one wants their kids to play with the kids of the porn addict. You don't want people to judge you for staying. I do consider viewing porn as cheating on a spouse, so yes, I would say that my husband has cheated on me. Not to the degree that some have been cheated on, I am not trying to downgrade another's hurt they have suffered from an affair they have experienced. I understand that it is on a different level, but still cheating on a degree. Before I got married I told myself I would never stand for that. Now that I am here, with 2 kids, in love with a man in the cycle of an addiction, I am in a position I thought I would never find myself in. Struggling to figure out how to survive day to day. Trying to gather the shards of my shattered life and slowly piece them back together.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Our First Three Years
I have always wanted to get married for as long as I can remember. I remember playing house when I was younger and dreaming of the day when I would finally grow up and all my dreams would come true. My cousins and I would have pretend weddings at my Grandma's house. I remember thinking of how great marriage and raising a family would be. Finding true love, having the perfect wedding, having a great marriage where love was always there. I knew there would be fights and disagreements, I mean everyone says marriage is hard, right. But I still believed the fantasy of the perfect marriage and family life.
As I got older and less naive, or so I thought, I became more aware of the real issues facing marriage. I watched people around me getting divorced, but knew it could never happen to me, I was going to have the perfect marriage and marry the perfect guy and have the perfect life. I knew some about the plague of pornography addiction overcoming our society and did not want to marry anyone who had anything to do with porn. I had no interest in being cheated on in my marriage and knew I would not stand for it. I knew about other issues that were hard on marriages like finances. I am good with money and so I knew I had that covered and a lot of the other things that plagued marriages covered. I could totally handle the marriage thing.
When I started dating the man who is now my husband I knew he was the perfect guy for me. He came from a large family. I come from a small family. He is very easy going and I am more high strung so we kind of even each other out. He is a returned missionary. He was almost done with his Bachelor's Degree and was applying to a master's programs for the field of work he wanted to go into. I have a genetic condition and he was choosing a career that would be very beneficial to me health wise which was a plus. When we would be together late at night we would read scriptures together and pray together. His family was so kind and welcoming to me, I felt like instant family. I prayed about it and everything felt so right.
We got married in 2004. To me, it was the perfect wedding. We went on our honeymoon and came home and packed up and moved halfway across the country for 2 years for him to finish schooling. It was so good for us to be away for those 2 years from family and friends and grow together as a couple. We truly had to rely on each other and make new friends that were ours together and that helped us grow a lot. Those 2 years were the best. I still lived in fantasy land during those 2 years that marriage could be perfect. I really miss that. We had our first son 10 weeks before we moved back to Utah.
I loved our life in Utah as well. raising our son together was so much fun. Watching him grow and change was amazing. being a Mom is the best job in the world. It is so hard, but I would never change it for anything. My husband is the greatest Dad ever! He loves his children with all his heart! When our first son was born he would get up every night every time he needed to eat and change his diaper and bring him to me and I would feed the baby and then he would burp him and put him back to sleep. Even if it was a night he had to get up for work the next day. He has always been willing to help out. I am truly blessed.
Our son kept growing and we decided it was time to have another one. I was so excited to be growing our family. Things were going so well. We had recently bought our first home together and our perfect life just couldn't get any better.
As I got older and less naive, or so I thought, I became more aware of the real issues facing marriage. I watched people around me getting divorced, but knew it could never happen to me, I was going to have the perfect marriage and marry the perfect guy and have the perfect life. I knew some about the plague of pornography addiction overcoming our society and did not want to marry anyone who had anything to do with porn. I had no interest in being cheated on in my marriage and knew I would not stand for it. I knew about other issues that were hard on marriages like finances. I am good with money and so I knew I had that covered and a lot of the other things that plagued marriages covered. I could totally handle the marriage thing.
When I started dating the man who is now my husband I knew he was the perfect guy for me. He came from a large family. I come from a small family. He is very easy going and I am more high strung so we kind of even each other out. He is a returned missionary. He was almost done with his Bachelor's Degree and was applying to a master's programs for the field of work he wanted to go into. I have a genetic condition and he was choosing a career that would be very beneficial to me health wise which was a plus. When we would be together late at night we would read scriptures together and pray together. His family was so kind and welcoming to me, I felt like instant family. I prayed about it and everything felt so right.
We got married in 2004. To me, it was the perfect wedding. We went on our honeymoon and came home and packed up and moved halfway across the country for 2 years for him to finish schooling. It was so good for us to be away for those 2 years from family and friends and grow together as a couple. We truly had to rely on each other and make new friends that were ours together and that helped us grow a lot. Those 2 years were the best. I still lived in fantasy land during those 2 years that marriage could be perfect. I really miss that. We had our first son 10 weeks before we moved back to Utah.
I loved our life in Utah as well. raising our son together was so much fun. Watching him grow and change was amazing. being a Mom is the best job in the world. It is so hard, but I would never change it for anything. My husband is the greatest Dad ever! He loves his children with all his heart! When our first son was born he would get up every night every time he needed to eat and change his diaper and bring him to me and I would feed the baby and then he would burp him and put him back to sleep. Even if it was a night he had to get up for work the next day. He has always been willing to help out. I am truly blessed.
Our son kept growing and we decided it was time to have another one. I was so excited to be growing our family. Things were going so well. We had recently bought our first home together and our perfect life just couldn't get any better.
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